


science bros

by 100demons



Series: five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes [4]
Category: Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Science Bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 11:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/418446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100demons/pseuds/100demons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce tries to write Darcy a book.</p>
            </blockquote>





	science bros

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kudzita](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=kudzita).



“So. Who contaminated your E. coli colonies?”

Bruce raised an eyebrow and stopped scribbling in his notebook. “What makes you think that?”

“Well,” Tony reasoned, settling himself down on the lab bench, elbows knocking with Bruce’s. “You’ve been looking kind of weird since this morning and you only get that face right before you Hulk out or someone’s wrecked your experiment and since you haven’t Hulked out...”

“You mean _you_. You’re the one who _accidentally_ switched out my plasmids so that instead of testing for the effects of radiation on mutated E.coli, you made them _rainbow colored._ ” He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose with a finger, the lenses gleaming dangerously.

“It was for _science_ ,” Tony protested and inched away from Bruce. “Anyway, stop changing the subject so that you don’t have to answer awkward questions—that’s my specialty.”

“Nothing happened,” Bruce said calmly and turned back to his writing. “Except for the fact that you used all of your booze for an ‘experiment’ but you know, all in a day’s work for Tony Stark.”

“ _Bruuuuuce_ ,” Tony wheedled, attaching himself to Bruce’s arm while breaking every law regarding personal space known to man. “ _Tell me what happened._ ”

“No.”

“Tell me or I’m telling JARVIS,” Tony threatened, still hanging onto Bruce’s arm like a giant genius billionaire playboy philanthropist leech.

“Oh, I’m quaking in my socks,” Bruce said absently and scratched his nose.

“You should be. JARVIS IS EVIL. I should know, seeing how I created him. Right, JARVIS?”

“Of course sir,” the AI chimed in on cue. “Shall I offer you a rendition of my madman’s laugh now?”

“Maybe later,” Tony said dismissively. “You need to work on your mwa ha ha part.”

“Very good, sir.”

“Can you let go of my arm now?” Bruce asked, lightly poking Tony with his pencil. “I need the other arm to input data.”

“Not until you tell me what happened!” Tony demanded, pressing his scruffy cheek against Bruce’s shoulder. “ _Tell me_.”

“I feel like we’ve had this conversation before,” Bruce remarked as he stood up and dragged Tony across the floor to the other side of the room. “Maybe five minutes ago?”

“Ow,” Tony said as his head banged into several table legs. “Just tell me what happened. If it’s not The Other Guy and if it’s not about your stupid E. coli babies, then _what is it?_ ”

“Why is it that you feel the need to poke everything with a stick and then take them apart to see how they work on the inside?”

“BECAUSE SCIENCE.”

“Oh, by the way,” Bruce asked casually. “Thor’s still on Asgard right?”

Tony seemed dumbfounded by the non sequitur. “Yes,” he said slowly. “He’s supposed to be setting up some sort of trial for Loki—won’t be back for a while because the Einstein-Rosen Bridge is kind of broken right now.”

“Oh. Okay,” Bruce hummed and booted up the computer. “That’s nice.”

“I don’t get it—first you look angry-weird, then you say nothing’s happened, and then you ask about _Thor?!_ ” Tony threw his hands up in the air. “This defies all rational logic.”

“I was just wondering—I’ve been reading Dr. Foster’s papers on wormhole theory and the Einstein-Rosen Bridge models she’s working on. Isn’t she connected to Thor?”

“Yeah, she’s the one who found him, dusted him off and gave him a home for a little while. And then they fell in love, happily ever after, the end!” Tony decided that grabbing Bruce’s arms was too much work and settled on clinging to Bruce’s legs while he compiled data.

“Do you think I should write a book?” Bruce asked, eyes glued to the screen.

“I give up,” Tony said, burying his face in Bruce’s slacks. “I am never, ever asking you what happened again.”

\---

“What are you doing?”

“I thought you said you were never going to ask that again.” Bruce hardly looked up from the computer screen, fingers typing away.

“I said I was never going to ask you what _happened_ again.” Tony pouted and inched into Bruce’s room, sliding stealthily from door to wall.

“Uh huh, that’s nice,” Bruce said. “By the way, is it L-E-D-E-R-B-E-R-G or L-E-D-E-R-B-U-R-G?”

“L-E what’s it?”

“Oh, never mind, JARVIS corrected it for me. Thanks, JARVIS.”

“You’re very welcome, Dr. Banner.”

“Are you writing a new paper to submit? Because you know the ban SHIELD has on publishing confidential military experiments, the fuckers, and it totally sucks but—“

“No,” Bruce said. “I’m writing a book.”

Tony stared at Bruce. Bruce stared at his computer screen. “Houston, I think we have a really fucking weird problem,” Tony said finally, after a long and contemplative silence.

“It’s about exploring the meaning of life and its mechanisms through a single organism—and what better organism than the most studied one of all? E. coli! Just in case you wanted to know what it’s about,” Bruce added enthusiastically. “I’ll be covering the history of experimentation using E.coli, then talk about its versatility, its various unique functions, its relationship with homo sapiens sapiens, and its continuing role in—“

Tony held up a hand, comprehension slowly dawning on his face. “I got it,” he said, his voice solemn. “You’re doing this for a _girl._ ”

There was a long pause. Bruce looked down and coughed a little.

“ _Holy shit_ ,” Tony sputtered, leaning on the wall for support. “You can’t be serious—oh my god, I don’t—I don’t—You’re writing a book on Escherichia coli for a _girl._ ”

“She’s not a girl,” Bruce said in a very low voice, fiddling with his glasses. “She’s a very nice woman. And it’s—not what you think it is. It was a bet. Thing.”

“Who is she—oh my god, DON’T TELL ME IT’S _JANE FOSTER_.” Tony leaned back, the back of his hand pressed against his forehead dramatically. “I can’t deal with all these love octagons, Bruce. This is one giant romantic comedy and—“

“It’s not Dr. Foster!” Bruce squawked and put his glasses back on. “It’s—it’s her assistant,” he said, deflating a little.

“Wow.” Tony slid down the wall and sat on the floor, hugging his knees. “I feel like I need a bowl of popcorn to properly appreciate the situation in front of me right now.”

“Please don’t,” Bruce said dryly and turned back to the computer. “Anyway, it’s been something I’ve been meaning to do for a while and—“

“So, what’s her name?”

Bruce sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Darcy. Darcy Lewis.”

Tony’s eyes glinted in the light. “Darcy Lewis. Assistant to Dr. Jane Foster? Oh, I am so on this. JARVIS, save this conversation—I’m going to need it later.”

“Oh god,” Bruce said faintly, trying not to sink into the floor. “I’m never going to survive this friendship.”

“SCIENCE BROS,” Tony said gleefully, rubbing his hands together. “I totally got your back on this, Bruce.”

“And that’s the part that terrifies me."

**Author's Note:**

> for kudzita, who asked for bruce/darcy and got bruce/tony science bros instead
> 
> I'M SO SORRY ;-;


End file.
